I had several bad dreams last night. I kept getting hot flashes but both my arms were cold. I dreamed over and over again that I would walk into a chemistry class and get harassed by my science teacher who I hated. Floyd grew his hair out to look like Michael Jackson, he got braces and was more effeminate. He was my safety net. He was watching this film based in Oakland/Berkeley about scientists exercising a coup and defending some discovery. There was a full on war. The film’s activities were synced with this three dimensional map that showed the activities from a view from the top. It was so amazing. I wasn’t sure if I was in the future or now. The things Floyd said felt good. And I wondered if I was in the future or not.
I dreamed that Pharrell and Nicki Minaj had sex and Nicki let me touch her booty. We were making out. And we were going to do Pharrell too. I wasn’t into Pharrell and maybe there wasn’t chemistry. He stopped me and said I was doing stuff like a white person and I got offended. Then I watched the two of them fuck and it was so erotic. I came from touching myself in my dream.
I woke up thinking about acceptance, popularity, and safety. June Ambrose’s daughter has this picture of her slightly chubby self carrying a fashion purse and her chin tilted up. I relate to her often. Not perfect but very confident. She’s so beautiful. I wondered how I could emulate that in my life. I constantly feel I need to be fixed and that I’m a work in progress. Could I just be perfect where I am? Could I make myself believe that and not feel like such a loser?
I’ve never felt like a loser my whole entire life until right now. I want to know why. I want to know how I can change it. In my dream, Floyd said you always want to know “how” things are.
I started having this goal since yesterday that perhaps I don’t want to learn massage and hair but I just want to manage a salon that includes all of those components. So that said, I just need to fund the space, manage the staff and think about how I develop my work further. Thinking about things from this angle, what do I need to do to be successful? How do I make it scalable? How do I manage it well?
Time to get up and get moving. No time to really sort these questions out. I gotta keep moving.